Forest Gardening meets Deep and Personal Ecology

When I feel I don't have enough I don't get enough and I certainly don't get enough love.

I don't feel I have enough of anything because love is the one and only thing my heart reaches out for.

I am not good enough to deserve it, earn it, this love. If I can't earn love, then I can't earn anything less than love.

All I wanted was love so I worked hard to get whatever I could of it. Life was a struggle, I was a failure. I developed a determination to succeed against all odds. I was going to find love even if it killed me. No body was going to stop me at anything I did.

I found a sneaky way to win some self-esteem. I could be good at things that stood outside of everything, those things that others did not understand. I became a rebel and because I specialised in understanding that which others did not, no body could understand me.

I stopped communicating, people were not worth the time, and I didn't have any of it to give them. "They can all go to hell" "If anyone comes near me I'll kill them". My relationship was with me inside my own head. I was away with the fairies.

By being confusing, and not explaining to others that which others could not understand anyway, I became aloof.

I became unreal, I was a fake. I thought I understood myself yet did not understand that one important thing - that all I was seeking was love.

I worked harder than everyone else to be loved. No-one else could suceed against adversity like I could. I succeeded at my unusual interests by dint of shear work, and found crumbs of self-esteem within fleeting successes that crumbled and were lost. Love eluded me. Money and possessions were adversaries between me and love. I was angry that I could not keep them.

I was angry that people did not listen to me, accept me, love me. I was angry that life was so difficult. Everything became a conspiracy out to get me. Commonly held beliefs were lies. Many of them in my own mind. I held out for love, but would not feel it.

God really didn't want me around, I was obviously so powerful that I was dangerous. I had got out of control before. I had hurt people. I was bad.

By then I had such a tight reign on everything I would not hurt others. I felt safe from my own anger. I opened more to love. When that love overwhelmed me I would upset others. They would go away and take their love with them.

I was a lonely, struggling, fake wondering why I was not loved. I could not help but consider "Would God really not love me?". My nonsense turned on its head and I realised "Everything was for me".

I was part of a team, in which my goals were supported, and we were headed in the same direction together. Between those fleeting moments sat long periods in which I worked alone; wondering why I was forsaken and it was so difficult.

I wouldn't quit, I wouldn't die, and I wouldn't feed or clothe myself properly.

I put my heart into thoughts about service to the community, to God, to Spirit. My goals for my relationship and partner were so in keeping with what they would want they would help me manifest them. My goals were so in keeping with Spirit that all others would simply want to help me manifest them.

I understood people better than they understood themselves, and understood them little because I thought I understood so much. I couldn't get them to love me but some loved me indeed.

I was in a storm. When I asked for something Spirit gave it (as It is wont to do) and I was seriously happy but wasn't worthy of any. I was as trapped by fear of being so worthy as to receive the kingdom of God and not being allowed in. So worthy of a relationship but not having one.

Afraid of intimacy I wanted to be cuddled in the heart of God. I found I was and it was so scary, I went back to feeling unworthy, not good enough, dangerous, and that there was no love (or anything else) for me.

But there was love for me, and in each life's journey round this wheel I learned some more. I was a little less convinced of consipracy and more open to love.

I broke free. I felt God's love so great I decided to stay. My mission this time was a heart-felt gift to humanity and everything reached out to support me.

Some reached out to support my next lesson. Everything had new dimensions I was yet learning. I was to continue learning the lesson of love.

I am still on this journey, the Mahanta by my side, and myself a little more part of the team.


For help I found ">gemstones and Rebirthing,for love I found Spirit in Eckankar.

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Love,

David

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